Conflict

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Last weekend my wife and I were having lunch at a restaurant when we were drawn into a conversation at the next table. It started out: "You never did follow through on your promise ...." and the reaction was pretty predictable: "how can you say that, we decided ...."

And from there a full blown emotional conflict swept over the table like a tornado sucking in all rationality and possibility for a discussion. By then thankfully, our check arrived and we were spared witnessing the escalating tense discussion.

Now, don't get me wrong, I strongly believe that conflicts are positive. Without conflicts we are stuck in "business as usual" and "we always have done it this way". With this attitude there is no personal growth, no appreciation of new ideas or trying new habits possible. Consequently one person's life is stagnant at best; if this attitude carries over into business, competitiveness is degrading and customer service is in most cases lacking.

So, if you agree with me that conflict is the vehicle that helps us to stretch and develop, how can we avoid a distractive and upsetting conflict like the one we had to witness. The answer is easy: we need to keep emotions and our ego separate from the issue. Therefore, the most important point to remember is that conflict is only opening possibilities if we depersonalize the discussion and focus on the issue at hand.

The first step in depersonalizing the issue is to choose our words carefully. Key is to avoid words like: "You, He, She, They, and We" and replace it with "I". So, if the discussion would have started with something like: "I feel that our arrangement is not working as well as it could", or "I think we need to look at ..." the most likely response would have been something like: "Tell me more" or "What do you think we could improve".

At this time the conflict is depersonalized and both sides are open to listen and to learn more about the "other" person's position. From there on everything is possible. We have created the opportunity to move a certain lose-lose or win-lose situation into a direction where there is a chance to create a solution which will not only solve the issue at hand but will prevent similar issues from becoming a problem in the future (win-win).

To sum it up: upset, angry, humiliated or hurt people are not open to explore new ideas consequently nothing positive can be created. The key is to keep the conflict on the issue and never make it personal or assume anything. Welcome healthy conflicts as the vehicle to grow personally and improve your business.